Paiseh is for Cocksters.

Dear Ballz,

Seeing you all in the holiday moodz, I feel glad. birU fTwz. But being the frank bo paiseh ball that I am, I gotta tell you guys about a slightly dismal piece of news about my health condition. I was telling some of the balls the other day that I was having some double vision, giddiness and some nausea. The neuro oncologist was kinda worried, so she admitted me for a few days for some tests: blood culture, 2 LPs and an omaya reservoir tap. My back still aching gaogao man.

According to my most recent MRI scan, the scan did show marked improvement but the onco could see some strains that were quite diffused, which may or may not be cancer cells. Unfortunately, the 1st LP results showed some bad cells that was also observed from the omaya shunt tap. As we know, brain fluids flow from the head down the spinal cord. So, the doctors were afraid that if the bad cells linger at the spine, it might grow and affect other regions. The doctor used this analogy that the cells are like seedlings that fly about in the wind. If they land on an area with favorable conditions, it will grow.

Hence, the doctor recommends that I should undergo another 5 cycles of ch3m0therapy under this regime called "R.I.C.E." If only it was as simple as spamming loads of rice into my system. But nah, its a chemo that's several times stronger that the one I had undergone before. This one also requires for me to stay in hospital every infusion. Then got this other thing called IT MTX also, which will be injected through my head like twice a week. Then, after this is done, I will have to undergo a stem cell transplant. Mafan gaogao.

I have a few days to decide whether I would like to proceed with this treatment or not. I was kinda distracted yesterday and couldn't really come up with the questions that I would like to ask. Partially coz my mom was crying also, cannot really concentrate. The doc said that if I go ahead with the treatment, there is a 30-40% chance of survival. The thing is, survival for how many years? 2 or 20? If don't do this treatment, will I die uber soon? Or if I go thru the treatment, then become gan cui and lose some of my functions, intel and abilities, is it worth prolonging life for that 'x' number of years? I have also read that CNS lymphoma can't be totally cured, it can only be controlled well. I don't know if its true. I also have read that people have miraculously recovered from terminal cancers through various other stuffs like vegan diets, TCM, alternative therapies etc; but you never know what's true and what's a miracle.

I personally don't really want to go thru this shi again...its really dam taxing mentally and physically. Have to reinstall my arm-line and feel seh gaogao. laopao ftl. It sux ballz for those around me too. To me, I regard quality of life > survival. I'm not afraid of dying suddenly or earlier than I'm supposed to. I'm more afraid losing myself, my soul, my memories and leaving my loved ones behind. Sometimes I feel tempted to pack my bags, go for a holiday and forget about everything. I pray that God will grant me the wisdom to make the right choice. I told Kiff, maybe I'll just pray and toss a coin.

Anyw, sorry for the long bore. I hope to see you guys when ur back in SG, if I'm able to.

LUv,

k00nard0

P.S. that 'all about me' is typed by Cherie.