random rants and ravings

i've been sitting alone in the dorm study room for the last 3 hours.. all alone.. no one to talk and no sounds besides the hum of the heater and the beep of MSN.. and i have come to a sad realization.. my friends here suck.. it's not their fault and they certainly aren't terrible people.. but they just aren't what, i feel, friends r really supposed to be!!

maybe it's their fault or maybe it's mine, a case of their cultural inflexibility or my innate social retardation from GEP days, but i don't feel totally at ease with them? is this normal? are friends supposed to be like.. restrained with each other? whenever i'm talking to them i have to think before i say something.. to avoid saying something which they think is retarded, wierd, inappropriate or just "un-american".. the rare occasions where i talk in an unrestrained manner, like how i do with the rest of you guys, don't last very long bcoz it's only a matter of a few lines before i say something and everyone else just shuts up and looks at me as if I broke out in sanskrit.. as my friends in boston said, "everything we say here must be toned down".. how apt..

it's ironic that i feel they might be restrained and reserved amongst themselves as well, the americans i mean.. too afraid to say something stupid and look dumb.. but among friends why should this matter??!?! i'm tired of this game.. but on the other hand appearances must be maintained.. unless i wanna go through 3 more years without social interaction.. what choice do I (or we the overseas balls) have but to conform and in some sense pretend we're something we're not?!? how i miss the times when we could just chill over tau huay at rochor and just spurt out whateva comes to mind.. it's so screwed up here... dammit

what do the rest of you guys think? esp the overseas balls? am i overreacting? i just feel that i don't really have any true friends here and thus feel a little lonely.. maybe the usually festive CNY period has brought these repressed feelings to the forefront.. how to go about making friends who you can feel totally at ease with? when all pretenses and stupid acting can go out the door? sigh.. the ranting has ended..

lastly i must say sorry to wanking for making fun of his injury when i first heard about it.. i didn't know it was so serious!!! sorry wanking.. didn't know u were in so much pain.. dun be pissed ok? forgive this ignorant, stupid ball.. takecare!